This Is Where I Burn

Here we go again. Continuing with the April of cheat. This was my favorite because I felt totally uncomfortable with the entire thing. During a reading of this, Jody Kujawa was a bit fidgety about it but thought it was funny.

CRIPPLEBOT

Man enters a shop pushing a man in a wheelchair. They approach the counter.

Man:
Hello? [rings bell on counter] Is there anyone here? [continues to ring bell]

Shopkeeper:
[yelling to the backroom] Down! Down, I say! Down, you nasty creature, you! [proceeds to the counter, straightening himself up] Yes, now, how may I help you?

Man:
I was in here yesterday and...say, didn't you have a mustache?

Shopkeeper:
Lake Titicaca, pearls and swine, you know?

Man:
Yes? I think I understand? Well, anyway, as I was saying. I was in here yesterday and purchased...

Shopkeeper:
[looking down at man in wheelchair] Well, there. [looks up at man] It seems to me like you have yourself a fine cripple there. Nice little cripple if I do say so myself. Don't see many of those everyday, if you know what I mean. Fine, fine cripple. You looking to sell him?

Man:
[shaking his head] No, no, no! What I've been trying to tell you is that I purchased this cripple here yesterday and I've come back to return him.

Shopkeeper:
[looking down at man in wheelchair] I don't know? Looks like a cripple to me. A fine cripple, if I do say so myself. You bought him here? You must have paid a pretty penny for him? We don't get cripples like this one in here too often. An amazing cripple, if you don't mind me saying so. I think you got yourself a steal. I don't recall ever seeing such a wonderful cripple.

Man:
I would just like to return him and be on my way, if you don't mind.

Shopkeeper:
I must confess to you, I don't handle returns. The owner will have to do that for you. [rings bell a couple of times and heads to the backroom only to return a few moments later sans mustache and with mussed up hair] Yes, now, how may I help you?

Man:
[exasperated] Why, you're the same guy I was just talking to!

Shopkeeper:
[in a different voice] Oh, you were in here yesterday and I sold you a wonderful little cripple. You got yourself a deal with that little guy. Those kind of cripples don't come around very often and when they do, out the door they go. I must confess to you that I was going to keep the little bugger for myself, but, well, can't turn down the business, you know? I wouldn't be able to keep the shop open for very long if I took home every cute little cripple that came in on the delivery truck, you know. Where would I keep them all? My house isn't all that big.

Man:
Look, all I would like to do is to return this cripple and get my money back.

Shopkeeper:
I see? Why would you like to return him?

Man:
He's defective. He speaks and he has quite a good vocabulary. I wanted a cripple that I could train myself.

Shopkeeper:
We don't normally take returns. You bought it, it's yours. Especially with a splendid little cripple such as this. Exquisite cripple.

Cripple:
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through cavern measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five miles of fertile ground
With wall and towers were girdled round...

Man:
See? See? See what I mean, he's defective. I don't want that around my house.

Shopkeeper:
Yes, yes. I see what you mean. Can't have that around, now, can we? Irritating little bastard, I've always hated Coleridge. Yes, I can see your point. Can't do a refund, though. No can do there. Can do an exchange. That we can do. Yes, sir, an exchange.

Man:
Fine! I'll take an exchange. What do you have?

Shopkeeper:
Fine shipment just came in today. Got something that I think you would like. The Cripple 3000 robot. Yes you would. [enter a crippled robot]

Man:
[incredulous] That's not a robot! That's just someone in a box that's painted silver. That's not a robot!

Shopkeeper:
Why sure it's a robot, just look at that fine robot there, doing all his robot things. You're getting yourself quite a steal, sir.

Man:
Look! Look there [pointing to robot]! I can see his hair and, there, I can see his arm!

Shopkeeper:
I can surely see that you will be unsatisfied no matter what I do, please leave my shop.

Man:
What does a man have to do to get a good cripple these days?