April, You're No June
Since the month of April is quickly passing and I have spent the beginning it working the overnights, I figure I would cheat (once again) and put up something that I figured was long lost. And, to be quite honest, I am going to do it again with the next post (there, you have been warned).
The first little nugget came in the summer of 2002 when I got tangled up with the Renegade Comedy Theater. They were going to do their summer revue and needed material. An acquaintance put me in touch with the troupe and I attended a few writer's (drinker's) meetings. I went home one night and cranked out eight to ten skits, of which 90% were shit, 8% bad, 1.9% meh and .1% decent. Most of the material was only partially done as I wished to capture the essence of what I was trying to convey.
I was totally enamored, at this point in my life, with infomercials (I never really ditched them). I wanted to write something in the spirit of the infomercial and mix it with something just titch naughty. What follows is an attempt. You've been warned.
The first little nugget came in the summer of 2002 when I got tangled up with the Renegade Comedy Theater. They were going to do their summer revue and needed material. An acquaintance put me in touch with the troupe and I attended a few writer's (drinker's) meetings. I went home one night and cranked out eight to ten skits, of which 90% were shit, 8% bad, 1.9% meh and .1% decent. Most of the material was only partially done as I wished to capture the essence of what I was trying to convey.
I was totally enamored, at this point in my life, with infomercials (I never really ditched them). I wanted to write something in the spirit of the infomercial and mix it with something just titch naughty. What follows is an attempt. You've been warned.
PUBEY CARE
Announcer:
Welcome to Amazing Products, bringing you products for the twenty first century and beyond. Welcome your host for today, Archie Leach.
Archie:
Thank you, thank you and welcome to Amazing Products. Our guest today has brought us amazing products such as The Booby Prize, a natural breast augmentation device, The Haggis Maker and The Chia Christ. Please welcome the whirling dervish himself, Reginald Dwight.
Reggie:
Thank you for that lovely introduction.
Archie:
Well, what do you have for us today?
Reggie:
Well, Archie, how many of us take showers on a regular or semi regular basis? I'll bet quite a lot of you do. Have you notice all the different soaps, shampoos, conditioners and body washes that well all use? I've noticed them, too. One day, while taking a shower, I was washing myself and noticed that no matter how much I wash and condition my pubic hair, it is never as soft and manageable as I would like it to be. Later on, I ran down to my local drug store looking for wash and conditioner for my pubic hairs and do you know what I found out?
Archie:
Announcer:
Welcome to Amazing Products, bringing you products for the twenty first century and beyond. Welcome your host for today, Archie Leach.
Archie:
Thank you, thank you and welcome to Amazing Products. Our guest today has brought us amazing products such as The Booby Prize, a natural breast augmentation device, The Haggis Maker and The Chia Christ. Please welcome the whirling dervish himself, Reginald Dwight.
Reggie:
Thank you for that lovely introduction.
Archie:
Well, what do you have for us today?
Reggie:
Well, Archie, how many of us take showers on a regular or semi regular basis? I'll bet quite a lot of you do. Have you notice all the different soaps, shampoos, conditioners and body washes that well all use? I've noticed them, too. One day, while taking a shower, I was washing myself and noticed that no matter how much I wash and condition my pubic hair, it is never as soft and manageable as I would like it to be. Later on, I ran down to my local drug store looking for wash and conditioner for my pubic hairs and do you know what I found out?
Archie:
No? Please, do tell!
Reggie:
I found out that they make no such product. That's when I thought, “I wonder how many people are having the same problem with their pubic hair that I am having with mine?” That is when I decided to work with the great people of Loopstar Laboratories in creating a shampoo and conditioner that is specifically for the pubic hair. A shampoo and conditioner that is Ph balanced to leave your hair silky soft, shiny and manageable.
Archie:
I know I've always wished my pubic hair was manageable How many of you out there have that same problem? I thought so.
Reggie:
That's why I'm bringing, to you and the Amazing Product audience, Pubey Care shampoo and conditioner. [to Archie] Let me see your hand for a second.
Archie:
[reaching around the front of Reggie's pants] Wow! That's amazingly soft! And, holy cow, it smells terrific.
Reggie:
I found out that they make no such product. That's when I thought, “I wonder how many people are having the same problem with their pubic hair that I am having with mine?” That is when I decided to work with the great people of Loopstar Laboratories in creating a shampoo and conditioner that is specifically for the pubic hair. A shampoo and conditioner that is Ph balanced to leave your hair silky soft, shiny and manageable.
Archie:
I know I've always wished my pubic hair was manageable How many of you out there have that same problem? I thought so.
Reggie:
That's why I'm bringing, to you and the Amazing Product audience, Pubey Care shampoo and conditioner. [to Archie] Let me see your hand for a second.
Archie:
[reaching around the front of Reggie's pants] Wow! That's amazingly soft! And, holy cow, it smells terrific.
Reggie:
Thank you. And now you, too, can get that same reaction when you use Pubey Care. Whether you have long or short hair, brunette or blonde, Pubey Care will leave it soft and manageable while leaving it smelling great. But, you are thinking, “My pubic hairs are so coarse and gnarled, nothing will help.” With a special blend of space aged chemicals and natural organic ingredients, Pubey Care will soften and ungnarl the most ghastly of pubic hair. If you don't believe me, please come up on stage and have a feel for yourself.
Archie:
That quite all right. Tell us how we can get Pubey Care.
Reggie:
Thank you. And now you, too, can get that same reaction when you use Pubey Care. Whether you have long or short hair, brunette or blonde, Pubey Care will leave it soft and manageable while leaving it smelling great. But, you are thinking, “My pubic hairs are so coarse and gnarled, nothing will help.” With a special blend of space aged chemicals and natural organic ingredients, Pubey Care will soften and ungnarl the most ghastly of pubic hair. If you don't believe me, please come up on stage and have a feel for yourself.
Archie:
That quite all right. Tell us how we can get Pubey Care.
Reggie:
Well, Archie, I have a special for you and the fine audience out there today. What would you be willing to pay for having spectacular pubic hair?
Archie:
I don't know, sixty or seventy dollars?
Archie:
I don't know, sixty or seventy dollars?
Reggie:
As an introductory offer, you will be able to buy one bottle of the Pubey Care shampoo and one bottle of the Pubey Care conditioner for only $19.95. That's right, you heard me, just $19.95.
Archie:
As an introductory offer, you will be able to buy one bottle of the Pubey Care shampoo and one bottle of the Pubey Care conditioner for only $19.95. That's right, you heard me, just $19.95.
Archie:
Wow! That's amazing!
Reggie:
That's not all, Archie. Amazing Products has been so very good to me, so, I've put together a special deal for today. Not only do yo get one bottle of the Pubey Care shampoo and one bottle of the Pubey Care conditioner, but, I'm going to throw in one more bottle of each. Also, I'm going to throw in a bottle of my Pubey Care curl relaxer and, for the first five hundred customers, I'm going to give you my Pubey Care trimmer and my Pubey Care styling brush. All this at not extra charge.
Archie:
Reggie:
That's not all, Archie. Amazing Products has been so very good to me, so, I've put together a special deal for today. Not only do yo get one bottle of the Pubey Care shampoo and one bottle of the Pubey Care conditioner, but, I'm going to throw in one more bottle of each. Also, I'm going to throw in a bottle of my Pubey Care curl relaxer and, for the first five hundred customers, I'm going to give you my Pubey Care trimmer and my Pubey Care styling brush. All this at not extra charge.
Archie:
Wow! That's amazing!
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